Dec 29, 2011

Ignite

Holding on
Savannah, resonates like a Southern city, a porn star and an African dream.

Cracking jokes
I ignited the matches, sparked a laugh, lighthearted

No I don't wanna go to rehab, No I don't wanna get serious

Puddle of mud
I wanna play hide and seek, push you in a puddle of mud, and erase, all these years, all these scars

Strip but not tease,
Strip my heart from its crushes, strip my face bare, strip my body to the bones

And she's lingering, ambiguous, a wet dream emerging from the only desirable sea

Dissolved
Like the sun set in the sea, like the day behind Northern lights, like my hopes

Dec 19, 2011

Invocation

Like a shaman prayer sung towards the deep winter night sky
I cry out for the sun to return, and burn candles of hope.
Epiphanies quickly dawned upon me with a glimpse of maybes
and a lingering taste of dejavu ironically in your eyes.
But where I look farther inside, I can really see nobody but me,
because I'll never want from you nothing else than mine.
Like an oyster solidly attached to its rock sips nothing but seawater,
I can't get enough of reassuring and mirroring hymns on your lips.

Dec 17, 2011

Feareality

Glimpse of feareality, thrilled,
Numbed is success, flawless dream
Moonlike face and its lakes,
Stroked ego, tantamount playground
Addictive child, sunkissed picture.
x.

Dec 7, 2011

Loner


4 years gone with the wind
4 years and any feelings remain
4 years of vain mistakes and forgotten promises
4 years and all has to be done, again but well.

Anger is such a bad counselor,
Self pity a misleading path;
I am worth more than a torn ego.

I shall wander alone, sometimes
Never lament nor beg, anytime
Allways love and give, mindfully
Nurture joy and exam, carefully.

x.

Dec 6, 2011

Fineland

Fineland elating bouts of passion
Billion stars enticing my delusion
Alluring Northern nights in unison.

When my heart gets broken in a zillion flares
They emit so much love it's intoxicating
Pulsating hope outward, or so he dares.

Darkened attraction on the edge of sanity
Don't offer your lips or we could slip
Stay within a corner of thoughts variety.

x.

Assassin


There is an assassin in my head
Drink that poison with passion
He whispers tenderly from within
And I drank to the last drop, bitter
She wants me and I remember her
All wet and giggly squeezing my chin

There is an assassin in my head
Vivacious rest, audacious norms
Precarious debt, luscious bareness
She-male begetting nightmares
Naked elf under the storm, skinny
Darkened eponym of my inner child


Nov 30, 2011

Into the wild

Confusion, dullness,
 if only they stopped asking what I don't wanna give,
let me go. Relapse time.

Wanna shy away because you remind me of prospective realities, 
and honestly I just wanna dream, alone, far.

I like being that foreign stranger no one knows,
I can wander alone and never being asked who I am or why I live,
 because I'm no one, and I live for nothing, 
but these answers hurt so I don't wanna talk,
 hence if you don't talk my language, I love you.

Alone lies danger, would I survive? 
I guess that's why no one ever let me go.
Hence I'm never asking.

Now I bitterly regret my cowardliness, 
I shall never live incongruently again, 
the sorrow to have to live more is even greater.

Everything has an end, even dreams, even hope, even life.

Nov 25, 2011

I wished I were anywhere else


No I'm never coming back, as hard as it may have been to tell, it's true.
Obviously some people took it personally, and that had made it even harder to explain.
I disliked the place, not the people, but some only.

I'm forever gone. This reality has not dawned yet upon me, fully.
Nonetheless any time I look outside I can't ignore it, I'm not there any more.
I can't feel any relief, though the panic is definitly gone.

My flight instinct has gotten worse, shutting down even the most basic polite goodbye words inside my shy mind. But honestly it's neither the first, nor the last time, I'm afraid.

It's so frightening, any glimpse of an image remind me I lived wrong. And it's no surprise I wish I were you. I'm so sadened to wear all around me memories of what has not meant to be.

And as a reminder of untouchable dreams you've made me cry so much that I felt like hiding away, disapearing, never be seen any more, even by me.
Somehow I want these days to end, now and forever.

You let me see that there is nowhere else, and I want nothing else but to find refuge with you.
Does that mean? '"Rescue me", maybe.

Nov 22, 2011

Careless

Singing like a bird, mending my wounds.
Spreading my wings, past aches are gone.
I love the pain I feel as I grow and heal.
I'm therefore free to fly and run, again.
I love that feeling, no I'm hooked actually.
Youth sweetness, softness, carelesness.

I let go of chores and errands, burdens
Stripped from stuff, free of fluff.
Torn contracts, burnt fake promises
Neither lured into bling paradise
Nor fooled into ruthless sharkpools.
Youthful bounty, radiating energy.

Nov 21, 2011

My other half

I lived with you for so long, I can't even remember when.
I tried to gently kiss you goodbye but you are again.
So this time I decided to trash you down the drain.
You robbed my vanity, now you threaten my sanity.
Let me go insane, but don't take me down the limbs.
Numb as your voice, void is rapturing, nothingness.
The more I strip you, the less I feel, lightheaded.
Afraid to let me fly, I am nevertheless free, still alive.

x

Nov 20, 2011

Jalna

When everything seem upsetting, 
when I get angry, when I feel only despair,
 if no end arise from my trouble, 
when I'm stuck in lamentations and worries,
 I turn to you.

Lush grasslands
Playful crystal clear rivers
Blue sunny sky
Cathedrals of trees

Nov 19, 2011

Teenage dream


Blue dandelion, his eyes entail passion

Golden sparkle of dawn upon me
Green leaps and hopes of wilderness
Salty deep kisses and lenghty foreplays
Juicy berry candy deep echoing
Skipped heartbeats from his stares
Messy long hair fondling over my neck
Soft bare cheeks stroking my lips
Wanna drop my holed used jeans
And f*ck in sync with loads of guitars

soundtrack

Nov 17, 2011

Euphoria

There are times when I feel like the world belongs to me. There are times when I feel my lucky star is by my side and nothing could possibly go wrong. There are times when I took decisions so lightly that my life seem even not important although these are times when I enjoy it most. There are times when I feel creative, aweful, blissful, lustful, light as a feather, dancing and running all over the world, driven by an insastiable desire to discover, explore and think.
Then is euphoria, some say hypomania.

When do I really fall back onto the dark side of the moon? Why do I sometime recede back into melancholia, apathy, undecideness, some say depression? I recall those times when it happened: period, pill, pregnancy, so it's obviously triggered by progesterone. This might explain why I feared so much not only periods and pregnancy, but mostly progesterone pills. And no I was wrong it's not pain that was the most fearful but that dullness of life, when everything is grey, blurred, tasteless, tiring and scary.

Nov 16, 2011

Path to nihilism

When I feel like giving up, I strive hard to try again.
Love is when outside the naked truth, the bare reality is sharper, but we fear no cut for any blood given as it would not hurt but heal.
Behind a million stars I get no gold and it makes me happier.
Doubting one's own congruence makes one come closer to self.
Ego recedes truly when delusions are washed away by peace.
The more I look at the core, the more I feel, the less I fear, the less I feel like owning.

But when all is gone I allways wonder why leaving something, one thing, anything about me?

Nov 8, 2011

self limitations


I used to make vows: never get into debt, never smoke nor use drugs, don't drink alcohol, don't drive, never fool. These are my taboos.

I was reminded why it helped forge who I am, free, by this little quote:
"freedom lies in self limitation".

Indeed since I started my minimalist journey I have given up so many things by limitating my wants.
Actually it started with material possessions, it turned to financial aspirations, then my mind bysiness receded and my attention got focused on a few desirable topic.

At some point I had stripped so much from my outer clutter that I could see very clear inside.
Suddenly my lifestyle changed dramatically and my own body too.

Nov 3, 2011

Chameleon

That ability is quite confortable: fast learner, good imitator, we fit well in most settings, if only we don't put bad mood into it.
The chameleon can seem to be anything as long as the model taken as a miror is flattering.

But the more the game lasts the more we risk to loose ourselves. After years of playing the best student, the model employee, the devoted wife, the sucessful enterpreneur, who are we?
The desire to know more is never far from spying, the urge to control so close to manipulating, and the weak too easily fooled.

Any power is dangerous when not neatly focused on a wise use. A deep self introspection is required to remain true to ourselves. The most powerful brain we have, the longest meditation we have to perform.

Oct 30, 2011

Mind Body connection




My hot issue for these past 7 months, since I turned this place into a journal.
I miss so deeply my dead friend, which I feel indebted to very much for having raised my awareness to an advanced level by showing me an example without lectures.

Any withdrawal symptoms are gone, I'm still doubtful about the role of corticoid and or AINS on decreasing my present inflammation problems. Although my liver is clearly toxic from that short hospital stay (yellow/gray undertones), I have fully recovered on a skin level. So I suppose I'm doing all right physically.

I haven't tamed these sparkles of energy, passion, impulse or rage of life that ignited my mind as I unleashed androgens. They have actually driven me back in time, very early in teenage years when I could both get excited strongly about novelty, and wait quietly in awe while time unfolds.

Meanwhile getting hooked again on training fueled a desire to not only live as I did, but also look just the same as when I had this dopamine load in my veins. So I packed impulsivly close to nothing, headed up North, got back to school, spoke a mix of English and Scandinavian, and had some (alcohol free) beers.

It took a while before I could finally see myself again, but it only reinforced the feeling of deja vu. Then I strived harder to sculpt myself as I used to. But only fools keep doing the same mistakes hoping for a different outcome. So I altered the recipe on a deeper level: I trust myself, I am bolder than ever so I won't say no to opportunities out of fear once again.

And yes I acknowledge that grief is important, some wounds can not heal but emotional attachment do not have to be materially based, ever.

I can not be certain it will prevent me from falling, again, but my vacation from reality is definitly over. I have replaced everything I hated by something I love.

And this love shall guide me forever.

x

Oct 22, 2011

Lackluster


Dim winter light dancing on wet leaves
Reddish late survivors of fall
Evedrops tantalizing life impulse
I soak into morning's glory.

Bleary hangovers celebrating win
Murky power sluggishly coming out
Prospective realities drag me here
By a seducive tone, ever more gloomy.

Blurred is your face, faded is your voice
Faint is your shake, tenebrously charming
As a cloudy winter day, my dull heart
Captured in your ill defined lusty nets.

Oct 21, 2011

Borderline



Crossing the highwire between our souls
A step back to nihilists apsirations
A step towards your radiant embrace

Clock is ticking but they all seem to ignore
I made a wish, my blood tied to death
I promised to go smoothly when it's over

A higher wave, a salter sea, a windier day
Will wash me away if you eat my hopes
Already my tongue is sealed, dessicated eyes.

Oct 9, 2011

Night Fantasy


Emotional wound
Wet pearls abound

Loneliness erased
Suddenly united

I wanna feel the chill of night
The black tropical Pacific sky
And marvel at billion faint stars

I wanna kiss you goodnight
And fall soflty in the sand
Listening to windy palms

Oct 8, 2011

The English comeback



Feels like I'm back to England
As if time had looped backwards
Those chills, these ales, and eyes.

My old black jacket and high heels,
Long blond hair that attracts one liners
My party girldfriends and my diet.

It's a carefree socialite mindset
That I have missed for too long
I'm kissing back salty rain and wind.

Oct 6, 2011

Reptilian Brain


When dusk sets in my vision turns blurred
Some dust gets in my heart and i miss you
I feel lonely, frightened and cold
Where are your warming arms?
The poisonous sting of your kisses
Enamoured I feel ready just for you.

Oct 5, 2011

Windy daily thoughts


Under the wind, bend as willow,
In hardhips, flow as water.

Fluid is never hard to catch, but to keep

Autumn bluish darkness turned my emptiness into sharp loneliness.

I love my browser because he speaks Swedish to me.

Be cute, smile to me,
Be bold, invite me.

Oct 2, 2011

o

Love like an intense smile on my face
Love as burning smile as I hear you

Oct 1, 2011

Somewhere I belong



Since my father gave me a book about Bora Bora, as I was a child, I'd dreamt of it.

I finally got there few years ago.

I wondered why I was so attracted to these tropical lagoons many years.

Lonely beaches, soft sand, intense sunlight, warm water ?


The answer came when I visited Gotland, a Swedish island, 5 years later.
It's blue.
I'm in love with blue.

Where else on Earth than on a tropical beach can we see mostly blue?

On a Swedish beach!


Sep 30, 2011

Teen quotes


I wrote these when I was 14 years old, and incidently I still feel these deeply in my heart



"Break down all the walls which are your way of life, even if they are humans"

"Happiness is in your head, if you wanna be happy, think you are and after you'll be happy with your heart"

"Listen to the primary nature of human race
SHE'S WILD"

"my life:
wild, optimist and free"

" Try to find an escape from the world, so cruel, wicked and stupid where we're living or only trying to survive!"

speaking of teen spirit, 20 years ago:

Sep 13, 2011

Ode to Malmö



When I saw this place, it was love at first sight.
I knew the first day I visited this town, that I'll come there to settle sooner or later.
The soonest, actually.

It's been 3 weeks that this dream came true, and everyday is bliss.
I'm so truly in love.

The color of the sky is deep, iridescent and changing every minute of the day,
 which are incredibly long, half of the year.

The architecture is rich, city space is not crowded, 
and large avenue let wind blow pollution away, while light penetrates deep inside.

People are walking and cycling and running and strolling babies, making it feel so alive.

Water is ubiquituous, fountains, a canal, a lake, the sea, marshes and rain, 
reflecting any blue shade of the sky.

Malmö is thrice blue actually

And yes the grass is greener, so brightly green that it hurts the eyes.

Aug 17, 2011

Ego bio chemistry for dummies


Sweet blog why have I been away for so long? I missed you, and now I wanna hug you, kiss you, or fuck u too!

Am I out of mind? not at all. But as I have altered the chemical load in my veins, so did my brain switched to a maler side of me.

Actually without birth control pill, nor stress induced cortisol, my androgenes are spiking, then my inner mind simply blows away. All my emotions are stronger, my feelings wilder and my tastes radically different.

There is no such thing as "me", I am not who I think I was. I am not at all.
The delusion of self is actually shattered by swinging wants.
I don't even need no more what I used to (food, make up, men), but what I used not to need (sex, sex & sex).

It feels like I'm a teen, with hormones boiling my thoughts down to instincts, but I'm old enough to know I only have to let things cool a bit later (fingers crossed). Maybe I'm gonna be grown up one day, or not?


Jul 11, 2011

Why do I really hate Paris?




If Paris was this nice museum of old architecture, cozy cafés and fashion shops without all those ill mannered Parisians, it would be very more enjoyable.

I hate Paris because I hate air pollution, overpopulation, night light, round-the-clock noise, trashes on the floor. And that is Paris, real Paris, not postcard/tourist guide Paris.

But aren't these mere symptoms of a deeper problem?

Actually the real reason why I hate Paris, and London alike, and could not stand more than a day in Tokyo is a direct bypoduct of overpopulation: lack of space & time (think of time and space as dimensions of physical reality in a quantic way)

Where is the only place one can meditate quietly alone in Paris? Restrooms!
It fits better than "toilet" for that matter. But only if no one is waiting for you to finish your poo!
Seriously there are people everywhere, maybe not at home, but neighbors, close enough to be heard and felt, 24/7.

I've always needed solitude. Space wide enough not to be disturbed by other's activities in order to meditate and clear the mind for creative sprouts to later blossom, and time long enough to elaborate deep complex ideas.


It appears that solitude is the most common habit of creative people, as beautifully written by Leo Balbauta here.

Actually the second habit of creative people: participation, might explain why I'm such a traveler freak, and a polyglot!
And I will have to dig deeper on that later idea in another post.



Jul 5, 2011

Practice conscious feeling


I briefly introduced conscious feeling in a previous post
Let me show you a concrete example.


I was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor, not a pleasant news. So I was waiting in some hospital for a surgeon appointment and it took ages.

I was anxious about what the surgeon would tell me (even more about the surgery!) and beginning to feel really stressed by this waiting. Then I realized how vain these negative feelings were.

No matter how much distress about being stuck sitting under lightubes I feel, I would eventually get this appointment, so I looked at the beautiful flowers on the nurses's desk. I smiled because they were gorgeous.

No matter how much thinking and questions about this surgery were running through my mind, I would finally have to surrender to a surgeon skills (him or someone else) , and let go without control but hoping to wake up no more disabled. Then I opened a newspaper and kept on reading until the surgeon called my name, an hour later.

Jul 2, 2011

Becoming a stranger


Roughly from 15 to 25 years old I was chasing various passions wholeheartedly.

I embraced learning exotic languages and cultures, exploring remote world corners, meeting strangers, getting familiar with foreign customs and uses.

I jumped from dream to dream, as my passions waned and waxed.

Joshua Becker brilliantly describes one of his main lessons learnt from minimalism as "Life is about the journey, not the destination. Dreams come and dreams go"
So I enjoy that journey, but the destination was not expected: I am now a stranger anywhere I am.

I took the best from any foreign culture encountered on my marvellous lifepath.
It stuck in my ming as a kaleidoscopic ethnic puzzle.
My own unique culture.

May 19, 2011

British moment




Teenager memories from Britain
Late at night, tea time before bed
I took some of the spicy beverage 
 as a souvenir in my luggage
 flavoured with Seychelles vanilla
poured in cute mug, milky and sweet

May 16, 2011

Blue


Blue as the open sky
Blue as the oldest ices
Blue as the oceanic feeling

Blue is a color whose energetical power
 over my brain is both sweet and strong.
Blue is violently wiping out of my mood
 any trace of depression lingering after a to stressfull job,
 a mourning of a friend, an ill side effect of a prescrpition drug.
Blue is gently rubbing my soul into blessedness, happiness, joy, pride.

Blue and I feel like living more intensely
singing, dancing, writing, enjoying being here, now.

May 14, 2011

Vacation from reality

Vacation from reality is an interesting concept greatly described by my favorite blogger in a recent serie of posts.

While the archdruid apply vacation from reality to a societal behavior: americans collectively forgot about ressources limit of the planet during 30 years until it backlashes on them, I have been subject to one, personally.


I woke up 30 y.o., slaving at a job I hate, living in a place where I have no interest for, married to a man I don't want a future with, STOP!

I don't know how it happened, where did I go wrong? where did I loose myself?

It's HIGH time for change.

Maturity: deliverance comes from inside.


Upon managing the comments of this blog, I was delightedly reminded that I used to look for deliverance. The delight comes from a simple fact: it's no longer true!
And I agree with "anonymous"(who??) that it did came from within, but how?

Indeed it did not come overnight, but gradually

Actually I developed some form of self awareness derived from meditation techniques, and that I coin "conscious feeling". Basically I'm very conscious that thoughts and feelings can be toxic, so I've trained myself to be aware of them while never trying to suppress them, nor trying to shut them down (ie.I've never"meditated").
Instead I've slowly rewired my brain to stop worrying by focusing on good outcomes, pleasant feelings and my own core values, anytime I was watching my mind wander on stressful paths.

In order to achieve this I had to first gain a deep understanding of my emotions, then sort out my true life values, and finally leap to be congruent, which is living up to one's value.

I had to remain well aware that I shall not strive to control what is beyond my influence. Reading Seneque surely helped on that one, but also the numerous minimalist blogs teaching us how to "let go" (of stuff, worries, rat race, etc)

Lately I'm in a blissful state of oceanic feelings, that I reinforce by listening to some music.
I'm attributing it mostly to maturity (already 30!) and marginally to some hormonal tricking of my brain.

May 9, 2011

Fast

A fasting holiday is an utmost minimalist experience:

back to basics and the essence of one's life.

I enjoyed solitude in the park, protected by giant old trees, uplifted by smelling lilacs, listening to bird love songs.
I read some adventures of deep far ancestors and connected inside my own burried instincts.

As any wild animal I've sensed this year weather trend months in advance and booked (in March) a whole summer up north, just as I did 8 years ago in winter preceding the worst hot summer of my whole life: until now? April has already been the hottest and driest in Europe for....decades.

And I listened with passion to the US air force radio, airing my favorite music: american songs !

I haven't missed crowd, violence or consumer goods. I was happy hiking in the woods with various folks: a healer, a mother, a teacher, a businessman and a desperate housewive.

Apr 2, 2011

journal-2

second part of my journal:

5. List three changes you'll need to make to live a more meaningful life.

i. Lose 55kg in 13 months
- I'm following a detox diet (organic veggies & fruits) for 10 days up until I head to a German clinic where I'll fast for 3 weeks.
=>Ideas for the following diet: paleo and a daily walk least 30 minutes, or...



ii. Walk in the wild
- week end trip to forests (to be implemented after the fast, ie in May)
- visiting Lappland in June (or some other part of Sweden, south coast maybe)
- a trek in Norwegian fjords, and Lofoten islands in July.
- touring Iceland in August

iii. Live in a peaceful place
- ideally close to hiking trails, lake or sea,
- within walking distance of food markets and future job (if any)
- either in a 'waklable' village or 'cyclable' small town


6. List 3 positive qualities that you feel proud of possessing. List 3 qualities that you'd like to develop.
still got to work on that!!


7. If you could try five new jobs over the next year what would they be?

- working in public parks, planting flowers, cutting branches, guiding visitors to remote places
- leading groups of people into the forest for hikes
- teaching science to teenagers
- healing people with plants
- managing a B&B

Mar 28, 2011

Journal


I am into personal developement these days, and thought keeping a personal journal might be useful to 'activate my inner wisdom'.
So a starting point

I am wild.

I will not surrender.

I would like to live more fully.

I will quit my job, move to Scandinavia, trekk on Iceland and Lappland this summer.

I love sunsets, blond hair, green forests, deep blue sky and really long evenings.

I hate pollution, urbanization, globalization, neocons, liberals, skycrapers, cars and dummies.

2. What advice would you give yourself at this time in your life?

Trust your instinct

3. What three major choices brought you to this point in your life?

not sure what 'this point' is...really

4. Looking back, what three things do you wish you had tried?

ditching France earlier.......


....more tmw