Dec 29, 2011
Dec 19, 2011
Dec 17, 2011
Dec 7, 2011
Dec 6, 2011
Drink that poison with passion
He whispers tenderly from within
And I drank to the last drop, bitter
She wants me and I remember her
All wet and giggly squeezing my chin
There is an assassin in my head
Vivacious rest, audacious norms
Precarious debt, luscious bareness
She-male begetting nightmares
Naked elf under the storm, skinny
Darkened eponym of my inner child
Nov 30, 2011
Nov 25, 2011
Obviously some people took it personally, and that had made it even harder to explain.
I disliked the place, not the people, but some only.
I'm forever gone. This reality has not dawned yet upon me, fully.
Nonetheless any time I look outside I can't ignore it, I'm not there any more.
I can't feel any relief, though the panic is definitly gone.
My flight instinct has gotten worse, shutting down even the most basic polite goodbye words inside my shy mind. But honestly it's neither the first, nor the last time, I'm afraid.
It's so frightening, any glimpse of an image remind me I lived wrong. And it's no surprise I wish I were you. I'm so sadened to wear all around me memories of what has not meant to be.
And as a reminder of untouchable dreams you've made me cry so much that I felt like hiding away, disapearing, never be seen any more, even by me.
Somehow I want these days to end, now and forever.
You let me see that there is nowhere else, and I want nothing else but to find refuge with you.
Does that mean? '"Rescue me", maybe.
Nov 22, 2011
Nov 21, 2011
Nov 20, 2011
Nov 19, 2011
Blue dandelion, his eyes entail passion
Golden sparkle of dawn upon me
Green leaps and hopes of wilderness
Salty deep kisses and lenghty foreplays
Juicy berry candy deep echoing
Skipped heartbeats from his stares
Messy long hair fondling over my neck
Soft bare cheeks stroking my lips
Wanna drop my holed used jeans
And f*ck in sync with loads of guitars
Nov 17, 2011
Then is euphoria, some say hypomania.
When do I really fall back onto the dark side of the moon? Why do I sometime recede back into melancholia, apathy, undecideness, some say depression? I recall those times when it happened: period, pill, pregnancy, so it's obviously triggered by progesterone. This might explain why I feared so much not only periods and pregnancy, but mostly progesterone pills. And no I was wrong it's not pain that was the most fearful but that dullness of life, when everything is grey, blurred, tasteless, tiring and scary.
Nov 16, 2011
Love is when outside the naked truth, the bare reality is sharper, but we fear no cut for any blood given as it would not hurt but heal.
Behind a million stars I get no gold and it makes me happier.
Doubting one's own congruence makes one come closer to self.
Ego recedes truly when delusions are washed away by peace.
The more I look at the core, the more I feel, the less I fear, the less I feel like owning.
But when all is gone I allways wonder why leaving something, one thing, anything about me?
Nov 8, 2011
I used to make vows: never get into debt, never smoke nor use drugs, don't drink alcohol, don't drive, never fool. These are my taboos.
I was reminded why it helped forge who I am, free, by this little quote:
"freedom lies in self limitation".
Indeed since I started my minimalist journey I have given up so many things by limitating my wants.
Actually it started with material possessions, it turned to financial aspirations, then my mind bysiness receded and my attention got focused on a few desirable topic.
At some point I had stripped so much from my outer clutter that I could see very clear inside.
Suddenly my lifestyle changed dramatically and my own body too.
Nov 3, 2011
The chameleon can seem to be anything as long as the model taken as a miror is flattering.
But the more the game lasts the more we risk to loose ourselves. After years of playing the best student, the model employee, the devoted wife, the sucessful enterpreneur, who are we?
The desire to know more is never far from spying, the urge to control so close to manipulating, and the weak too easily fooled.
Any power is dangerous when not neatly focused on a wise use. A deep self introspection is required to remain true to ourselves. The most powerful brain we have, the longest meditation we have to perform.
Oct 30, 2011
My hot issue for these past 7 months, since I turned this place into a journal.
I miss so deeply my dead friend, which I feel indebted to very much for having raised my awareness to an advanced level by showing me an example without lectures.
Any withdrawal symptoms are gone, I'm still doubtful about the role of corticoid and or AINS on decreasing my present inflammation problems. Although my liver is clearly toxic from that short hospital stay (yellow/gray undertones), I have fully recovered on a skin level. So I suppose I'm doing all right physically.
I haven't tamed these sparkles of energy, passion, impulse or rage of life that ignited my mind as I unleashed androgens. They have actually driven me back in time, very early in teenage years when I could both get excited strongly about novelty, and wait quietly in awe while time unfolds.
Meanwhile getting hooked again on training fueled a desire to not only live as I did, but also look just the same as when I had this dopamine load in my veins. So I packed impulsivly close to nothing, headed up North, got back to school, spoke a mix of English and Scandinavian, and had some (alcohol free) beers.
It took a while before I could finally see myself again, but it only reinforced the feeling of deja vu. Then I strived harder to sculpt myself as I used to. But only fools keep doing the same mistakes hoping for a different outcome. So I altered the recipe on a deeper level: I trust myself, I am bolder than ever so I won't say no to opportunities out of fear once again.
And yes I acknowledge that grief is important, some wounds can not heal but emotional attachment do not have to be materially based, ever.
I can not be certain it will prevent me from falling, again, but my vacation from reality is definitly over. I have replaced everything I hated by something I love.
And this love shall guide me forever.
Oct 22, 2011
Oct 21, 2011
Oct 9, 2011
Oct 8, 2011
Oct 6, 2011
Oct 5, 2011
Oct 2, 2011
Oct 1, 2011
I wondered why I was so attracted to these tropical lagoons many years.
Lonely beaches, soft sand, intense sunlight, warm water ?
Sep 30, 2011
I wrote these when I was 14 years old, and incidently I still feel these deeply in my heart
"Break down all the walls which are your way of life, even if they are humans"
"Happiness is in your head, if you wanna be happy, think you are and after you'll be happy with your heart"
"Listen to the primary nature of human race
wild, optimist and free"
" Try to find an escape from the world, so cruel, wicked and stupid where we're living or only trying to survive!"
speaking of teen spirit, 20 years ago:
Sep 13, 2011
Aug 17, 2011
Sweet blog why have I been away for so long? I missed you, and now I wanna hug you, kiss you, or fuck u too!
Am I out of mind? not at all. But as I have altered the chemical load in my veins, so did my brain switched to a maler side of me.
Actually without birth control pill, nor stress induced cortisol, my androgenes are spiking, then my inner mind simply blows away. All my emotions are stronger, my feelings wilder and my tastes radically different.
There is no such thing as "me", I am not who I think I was. I am not at all.
The delusion of self is actually shattered by swinging wants.
I don't even need no more what I used to (food, make up, men), but what I used not to need (sex, sex & sex).
It feels like I'm a teen, with hormones boiling my thoughts down to instincts, but I'm old enough to know I only have to let things cool a bit later (fingers crossed). Maybe I'm gonna be grown up one day, or not?
Jul 11, 2011
If Paris was this nice museum of old architecture, cozy cafés and fashion shops without all those ill mannered Parisians, it would be very more enjoyable.
I hate Paris because I hate air pollution, overpopulation, night light, round-the-clock noise, trashes on the floor. And that is Paris, real Paris, not postcard/tourist guide Paris.
But aren't these mere symptoms of a deeper problem?
Actually the real reason why I hate Paris, and London alike, and could not stand more than a day in Tokyo is a direct bypoduct of overpopulation: lack of space & time (think of time and space as dimensions of physical reality in a quantic way)
Where is the only place one can meditate quietly alone in Paris? Restrooms!
It fits better than "toilet" for that matter. But only if no one is waiting for you to finish your poo!
Seriously there are people everywhere, maybe not at home, but neighbors, close enough to be heard and felt, 24/7.
I've always needed solitude. Space wide enough not to be disturbed by other's activities in order to meditate and clear the mind for creative sprouts to later blossom, and time long enough to elaborate deep complex ideas.
It appears that solitude is the most common habit of creative people, as beautifully written by Leo Balbauta here.
Actually the second habit of creative people: participation, might explain why I'm such a traveler freak, and a polyglot! And I will have to dig deeper on that later idea in another post.
Jul 5, 2011
I briefly introduced conscious feeling in a previous post
Let me show you a concrete example.
I was anxious about what the surgeon would tell me (even more about the surgery!) and beginning to feel really stressed by this waiting. Then I realized how vain these negative feelings were.
No matter how much distress about being stuck sitting under lightubes I feel, I would eventually get this appointment, so I looked at the beautiful flowers on the nurses's desk. I smiled because they were gorgeous.
No matter how much thinking and questions about this surgery were running through my mind, I would finally have to surrender to a surgeon skills (him or someone else) , and let go without control but hoping to wake up no more disabled. Then I opened a newspaper and kept on reading until the surgeon called my name, an hour later.
Jul 2, 2011
Roughly from 15 to 25 years old I was chasing various passions wholeheartedly.
I embraced learning exotic languages and cultures, exploring remote world corners, meeting strangers, getting familiar with foreign customs and uses.
I jumped from dream to dream, as my passions waned and waxed.
Joshua Becker brilliantly describes one of his main lessons learnt from minimalism as "Life is about the journey, not the destination. Dreams come and dreams go"
So I enjoy that journey, but the destination was not expected: I am now a stranger anywhere I am.
I took the best from any foreign culture encountered on my marvellous lifepath.
It stuck in my ming as a kaleidoscopic ethnic puzzle.
My own unique culture.
May 19, 2011
May 16, 2011
May 14, 2011
While the archdruid apply vacation from reality to a societal behavior: americans collectively forgot about ressources limit of the planet during 30 years until it backlashes on them, I have been subject to one, personally.
I woke up 30 y.o., slaving at a job I hate, living in a place where I have no interest for, married to a man I don't want a future with, STOP!
I don't know how it happened, where did I go wrong? where did I loose myself?
It's HIGH time for change.
Upon managing the comments of this blog, I was delightedly reminded that I used to look for deliverance. The delight comes from a simple fact: it's no longer true!
And I agree with "anonymous"(who??) that it did came from within, but how?
Indeed it did not come overnight, but gradually
Actually I developed some form of self awareness derived from meditation techniques, and that I coin "conscious feeling". Basically I'm very conscious that thoughts and feelings can be toxic, so I've trained myself to be aware of them while never trying to suppress them, nor trying to shut them down (ie.I've never"meditated").
Instead I've slowly rewired my brain to stop worrying by focusing on good outcomes, pleasant feelings and my own core values, anytime I was watching my mind wander on stressful paths.
In order to achieve this I had to first gain a deep understanding of my emotions, then sort out my true life values, and finally leap to be congruent, which is living up to one's value.
I had to remain well aware that I shall not strive to control what is beyond my influence. Reading Seneque surely helped on that one, but also the numerous minimalist blogs teaching us how to "let go" (of stuff, worries, rat race, etc)
Lately I'm in a blissful state of oceanic feelings, that I reinforce by listening to some music.
I'm attributing it mostly to maturity (already 30!) and marginally to some hormonal tricking of my brain.
May 9, 2011
back to basics and the essence of one's life.
I enjoyed solitude in the park, protected by giant old trees, uplifted by smelling lilacs, listening to bird love songs.
I read some adventures of deep far ancestors and connected inside my own burried instincts.
As any wild animal I've sensed this year weather trend months in advance and booked (in March) a whole summer up north, just as I did 8 years ago in winter preceding the worst hot summer of my whole life: until now? April has already been the hottest and driest in Europe for....decades.
And I listened with passion to the US air force radio, airing my favorite music: american songs !
I haven't missed crowd, violence or consumer goods. I was happy hiking in the woods with various folks: a healer, a mother, a teacher, a businessman and a desperate housewive.
Apr 2, 2011
5. List three changes you'll need to make to live a more meaningful life.
i. Lose 55kg in 13 months
- I'm following a detox diet (organic veggies & fruits) for 10 days up until I head to a German clinic where I'll fast for 3 weeks.
=>Ideas for the following diet: paleo and a daily walk least 30 minutes, or...
ii. Walk in the wild
- week end trip to forests (to be implemented after the fast, ie in May)
- visiting Lappland in June (or some other part of Sweden, south coast maybe)
- a trek in Norwegian fjords, and Lofoten islands in July.
- touring Iceland in August
iii. Live in a peaceful place
- ideally close to hiking trails, lake or sea,
- within walking distance of food markets and future job (if any)
- either in a 'waklable' village or 'cyclable' small town
6. List 3 positive qualities that you feel proud of possessing. List 3 qualities that you'd like to develop.
still got to work on that!!
7. If you could try five new jobs over the next year what would they be?
- working in public parks, planting flowers, cutting branches, guiding visitors to remote places
- leading groups of people into the forest for hikes
- teaching science to teenagers
- healing people with plants
- managing a B&B
Mar 28, 2011
I am into personal developement these days, and thought keeping a personal journal might be useful to 'activate my inner wisdom'.
So a starting point
I am wild.
I will not surrender.
I would like to live more fully.
I will quit my job, move to Scandinavia, trekk on Iceland and Lappland this summer.
I love sunsets, blond hair, green forests, deep blue sky and really long evenings.
I hate pollution, urbanization, globalization, neocons, liberals, skycrapers, cars and dummies.
2. What advice would you give yourself at this time in your life?
3. What three major choices brought you to this point in your life?
not sure what 'this point' is...really
4. Looking back, what three things do you wish you had tried?
ditching France earlier.......