Oct 30, 2011
My hot issue for these past 7 months, since I turned this place into a journal.
I miss so deeply my dead friend, which I feel indebted to very much for having raised my awareness to an advanced level by showing me an example without lectures.
Any withdrawal symptoms are gone, I'm still doubtful about the role of corticoid and or AINS on decreasing my present inflammation problems. Although my liver is clearly toxic from that short hospital stay (yellow/gray undertones), I have fully recovered on a skin level. So I suppose I'm doing all right physically.
I haven't tamed these sparkles of energy, passion, impulse or rage of life that ignited my mind as I unleashed androgens. They have actually driven me back in time, very early in teenage years when I could both get excited strongly about novelty, and wait quietly in awe while time unfolds.
Meanwhile getting hooked again on training fueled a desire to not only live as I did, but also look just the same as when I had this dopamine load in my veins. So I packed impulsivly close to nothing, headed up North, got back to school, spoke a mix of English and Scandinavian, and had some (alcohol free) beers.
It took a while before I could finally see myself again, but it only reinforced the feeling of deja vu. Then I strived harder to sculpt myself as I used to. But only fools keep doing the same mistakes hoping for a different outcome. So I altered the recipe on a deeper level: I trust myself, I am bolder than ever so I won't say no to opportunities out of fear once again.
And yes I acknowledge that grief is important, some wounds can not heal but emotional attachment do not have to be materially based, ever.
I can not be certain it will prevent me from falling, again, but my vacation from reality is definitly over. I have replaced everything I hated by something I love.
And this love shall guide me forever.
Oct 22, 2011
Dim winter light dancing on wet leaves
Reddish late survivors of fall
Evedrops tantalizing life impulse
I soak into morning's glory.
Bleary hangovers celebrating win
Murky power sluggishly coming out
Prospective realities drag me here
By a seducive tone, ever more gloomy.
Blurred is your face, faded is your voice
Faint is your shake, tenebrously charming
As a cloudy winter day, my dull heart
Captured in your ill defined lusty nets.
Oct 21, 2011
Crossing the highwire between our souls
A step back to nihilists apsirations
A step towards your radiant embrace
Clock is ticking but they all seem to ignore
I made a wish, my blood tied to death
I promised to go smoothly when it's over
A higher wave, a salter sea, a windier day
Will wash me away if you eat my hopes
Already my tongue is sealed, dessicated eyes.
Oct 9, 2011
Oct 8, 2011
Feels like I'm back to England
As if time had looped backwards
Those chills, these ales, and eyes.
My old black jacket and high heels,
Long blond hair that attracts one liners
My party girldfriends and my diet.
It's a carefree socialite mindset
That I have missed for too long
I'm kissing back salty rain and wind.
Oct 6, 2011
Oct 5, 2011
Under the wind, bend as willow,
In hardhips, flow as water.
Fluid is never hard to catch, but to keep
Autumn bluish darkness turned my emptiness into sharp loneliness.
I love my browser because he speaks Swedish to me.
Be cute, smile to me,
Be bold, invite me.
Oct 2, 2011
Oct 1, 2011
Since my father gave me a book about Bora Bora, as I was a child, I'd dreamt of it.
I finally got there few years ago.
I wondered why I was so attracted to these tropical lagoons many years.
Lonely beaches, soft sand, intense sunlight, warm water ?